Jog On, Blog On!

Chicken Soup for the Cubs fan's soul!

2009-05-12T13:15:00.004-06:00

To all 13 of you that check this page on a semi-regular basis to see if I'm still alive.... I'm sorry for not being a little more frequent, but I am no longer married and don't have to answer to anyone about responsibility.

The last time I was here I wrote about what it is like to be a Cubs fan. I thought I made myself perfectly clear about where I stood. Apparently some of you thought I was kidding. I have been accused of being a "closet" Cubs fan now. Watching in secret, getting text messages after every score, rushing home to watch tivo'd episodes of "The Tenth Inning". (on a side note, what if the Cubs go extra innings? Do they change the name?)

Just because I can tell you that the Cubs are sitting in 4th place, 2.5 games behind the Cardinals, are 3 games over .500, and that their best hitter is not an American and is hitting .319, the team leader in home runs is one of the best non-contact hitters in the game and has 10 of them, and that the team leader in RBI's is the same player and if you held a gun to his head and told him NOT to swing, he would. Although, if he swings his head like he swings his 75 pound bat, you might miss.

I don't hate baseball, I just hate the Cubs. I don't like hockey at all, but can tell you the teams that are left in the playoffs. I hate the NBA, but I know Kobe is a bitch and Kenyon Martin is a thug. I know Manchester United and Barcelona are playing in the Champions League later this month and have already set the tivo to record it.

Apparently, the most damning evidence anyone has that I still like them is the blanket draped over the back of my couch and the Ryne Sandberg signed baseball in my front room. I also have a Yankees blanket that I use as a grill cover that the birds shit on. I suppose that means that deep down I hope the Yankees win another championship? Wrong.

I let the birds crap on it for a couple of reasons. 1. It keeps my grill from looking like a birdie port-0-potty and 2. It was my ex-wife's and when I see bird poop on it it reminds me how wonderful our marriage was.

Now, about the Sandberg ball..... That cost me $300! What am I supposed to do? Throw it out? That ball is like the girl you had a crush on in high school. You can't touch it, it would cost you a lot of money to own and even though you wish you could have sex with it, you know you would be in a lot of trouble if anyone ever caught you.

Here is more proof that the Cubs infect you like a bad STD and will eventually cost you everything you hold dear....

I am playing fantasy baseball. (It's like real baseball only it's not) I drafted 5, yes 5!, Cubs players. (I was still slightly infected). I lost my first three match ups and was in last place. I have since traded or got rid of all but 2 of those players and am riding a two game win streak and have moved up two places into 6th place! By the way, my team name.... CUCK the FUBS.

I lost my job about a month ago and even that wasn't as depressing as watching the Cubs get swept out of the 1st round of the playoffs by teams from the crappy NL West.

I hope that helps clear some things up. If you or anyone you know, has been or is still a Cubs fan, please call this number 1-800-THE-LOST. Operators are standing by and can send you a packet with years and years of depressing stats and facts.

Where the Hell have you been?!?!?

2009-01-08T16:17:00.003-07:00

A NEW BLOG IS COMING!

I PROMISE!

I HAVE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON AND CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE IT WITH ALL OF YOU!

LOOK FOR IT SOON!

The 1st lesson I've learned is never give yourself a deadline.... :)

Why not us? Why not now?....... I'll tell you why!!!!

2008-10-03T17:18:00.019-06:00

OK! I can't handle this anymore! I've kept it bottled up for far too long! I don't know why I think that every time things will be different. That this time won't end up like the time before. That this time will hurt less than the last time. That the light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a freight train coming my way! (Thank you Metallica!)

And just when I think that I have seen or heard or felt it all, this happens! And no matter what I do to change it, it's like watching the same horrible, Lifetime made-for-tv movie, over and over and over again. Yet time after time, year after year, failure after effing failure, heartache after gut wrenching heartache, I still can't seem to understand that there comes a point in one's life that you have to realize that no matter how bad you want something and no matter how bad you wish something would change.... IT...... NEVER.... EVER..... WILL!

There are so many things in my life that don't work out like I would like them to. But, this is gosh damned ridiculous! I'm done taking this shit month after month! I turn 32 in a couple of months and it's time to stand up and look myself in the mirror and say.... "Christian, you might be the most unattractive, useless, blubber filled, uneducated, human being in 13 states, but this most recent turn of events (read failure), does not define who or what you are! Now say it! Shout it from the balcony towards I-15! Go on....."

F$&K YOU CUBBIES!!!

Wow! That was exhilarating!

Now, back to work.....

Being a Cubs fan is quite possibly the single most frustrating, depressing, make you want to gouge your eyes out, thing that a person can do. I can't tell you how many times I have watched a Cubs game and felt the sudden urge to drink an entire bottle of DrainO. I have ulcers that are shaped like little fields of Wrigley. (For the record, no woman has ever caused this much pain and sorrow).

I used to think that being a Cubs fan was the purest form of loyalty. At one point I considered this to actually be one of my few attractive qualities. I was under the impression that if you just believed something long enough and kept a positive outlook, it would happen. And when it did, it would be sweeter than Splenda!

Being a Yankee fan is easy. You get to participate in the World Series at least 3 times a decade. You don't have to worry or fret about when you play the Brewers or Cardinals, because you have a winning record against everybody. In my lifetime, the Yankees have been in 10 World Series and have won 6 of them. SIX!!!! The Cubs haven't even won their division six times. They haven't won the National League Pennant since 1945 and we all know how long it's been since they won a World Series. (1908, for those of you that didn't).

Can you think of anything else that has sucked for over 100 years and is still around? Imagine if the Cubs and Yankees represented human beings and you had to date one of them. Which do you think you would pick?

There are only a handful of people left on this planet that can tell you what it was like when the Cubs were successful. There are 8 year olds that can tell you how great it is to be a Yankee fan. In fact, the Tampa Bay franchise that has only been in existence for 10 years, may get to play in World Series before the Cubs. It's the real life equivalent to growing up in a small town and knowing the hottest girl in town is in your biology class. You have grown up with her, went to parties with her, maybe even played strip poker with her and you keep trying to ask her out and then a new kid moves into town and takes her to the Prom and gets her pregnant. (Maybe not quite the same, but you get my point)

I have labored under the misguided idea that being loyal and never giving up on something was important and even somewhat noble. I believed for the longest time that all of the heartache and disappointment would lead to an understanding that it was worth it. If you never know despair, how can you recognize complete euphoria? .........

........It's simple, you become a complete sellout, a whore to the worldly things that make people truly happy. It's like any other made up human feeling, if you can convince yourself that winning isn't everything, then you can date a "Lovable Loser". I can't date those types of people and I am no longer going to allow myself to fall in love with things that bring me misery and gloom. I need a change. I need some damn fruition in my life! It takes a special kind of person to love the Cubs and that person is not me. I used to think that I was different and that being different made me more valuable than others. Being different makes you unlovable. And being unlovable makes you lonely. And being lonely makes you sad. And being sad makes you unwanted by even the most amazing people. No one wants to mate with somebody that is constantly waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under them. Whose text message ring tone sounds like 100 pieces of a fractured heart falling on a decrepit piano that is located on a pirate ship in the middle of the godforsaken ocean. (Those of you that have heard it, know what I mean). In short, being a Cubs fan has cost me so much lovemaking!

There are some of you out there that maybe still cling to the notion that broken things can be mended, that nothing is beyond repair. I used to think like that. I used to believe that you could pass down the family shovel from one generation to the next, just duct taping the handle when it would break. Sometimes, things are just broken and you either get a new one, or you risk trying to dig a hole with your bare hands. I have duct taped my last handle, Cubbies. I am getting rid of all the things in my life that make me wish I was something or someone else. I need to be the type of person that isn't an embarrassment to my potential mates parents or my own. Much like having a degree proves you are smarter and more successful than those that don't. ;) I need to start jumping on every bandwagon that rolls through town, becoming a chameleon of society and thus putting an end to the tribulation that is my life.

I am officially a Red Sox, Rays, Phillies or Dodgers fan! I will let you know which it is in a couple of weeks! GO TEAMS!!!

CUBS

C - Can't win a simulated match against the any of the teams from Little League Baseball. (Tommy would never walk 7 batters in a match up with Texas or Chinese Tai Pei. COME ON!)
U - Unless you stop swinging at every single pitch that is thrown within a 9 foot radius of the strike zone, you will continue to go 2 for 27 in the postseason.
B - Buying into T-shirt slogans like "It's gonna happen!", doesn't mean it's gonna happen more than once a century.
S - Sucking for 101 years is something that takes a lot of work and should not be mourned, but celebrated like when you lose a million dollars betting on a horse named, "I haven't won a race in 101 years, but today's the day, I can feel it!".

I know it sounds like I'm bitter, maybe clinically depressed, but I'm really not that much worse than ever before. I am having "Wait till next year", tattooed around my wrist so that when I think it's gonna be different, I'll remember 1976-2008 and not get ahead of myself.

Thanks for all your supportive text messages and phone calls throughout the season and especially over the last week. It's such a blessing to have such good friends that can ask how I'm doing without bursting into hysterical laughter.

All I have to say is wait till you see what the Cubs do next year!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I know that it's been a long time since we all last shared a piece of depression dumpling and I have missed you all. (Not enough to call or visit any of you, but you were definitely missed).

The readers of this blog are quite possibly the greatest of God's children. You are a chosen generation and if you remember the things you learn here, never apply them in your daily lives, and forget them before you die, yours will be the greatest of rewards!

(Just to be clear, I have no authority to promise such things)

Here a a few of the highlights from the past months:

- I quit my job of 7 years at The Daily Herald and started working as a recruiter for an IT company in Draper called Smith Johnson. Although I enjoyed my time at the newspaper, it was starting to feel more and more like prison only without the cable television, daily meals, and conjugal visits. (Although, as some of you know, I did lose my virginity while at The Herald ....and my keys)

Here are 15 things that happened to me while at The Herald:

1. I got paid for doing as little work as possible..... for years!

2. I worked with a couple of my best friends.

3. I got married.

4. I had a kidney stone.

5. I got hit the face with a softball and got 8 stitches on the inside of my mouth.

6. I had a 2nd kidney stone.

7. I got divorced. (kidney stones stopped!?!?)

8. I had surgery on my mouth to remove infection left over from when a softball hit me in the mouth and got 4 more stitches.

9. We got new carpet in our department.

10. Became 3 time medalist in the semi-annual Office Olympics. (Won gold medals in Garbage Can Hurdles and Name That Stain, a silver in the Stationary Sprint.)

11. Fell in love with a co-worker.

12. Co-worker sent an email to all other co-workers indicating that she had fallen in love (apparently not with me, despite the evidence to the contrary), was quiting and moving to Vegas.

13. Co-worker quit and moved.

14. Won World Softball Championship.

15. Best friend quit.

16. I quit.

Some of you will read through that list and think that there aren't many great things about working at The Herald, but I assure you, it was a little slice of heaven!

- One evening, while I was driving to a Bee's game in Salt Lake with Bobby, we passed a curious looking vehicle. It was the RedBull Mini Car! Normally, this kind of thing would not make it on to the blog. But normally, you don't see a car that has a huge RedBull can sticking out of the back. (Plus, it was being driven by two really attractive RedBull girls with nice "cans"). We both said how nice it would be to have a RedBull and I looked in the rear view mirror to see where they were and they were coming up on the drivers side. They pulled up next to us and I could feel what's left of my heart start to pitter patter! (That's means I was aroused). I slowly looked over and the hot girl in the passenger seat was holding up a RedBull and mouthed through the glass, "Do you want a RedBull?". (Which looks very similar to "Do you have a tent pole?", when you're going 82 miles an hour). The voices in my pants shouted out, "YOU LITTLE TEMPTRESS!". Once my idiotic brain had processed the scene over again and I realized that she was offering me a frosty can of RedBull, I nodded my head that I would indeed like a RedBull. She rolled down her window and held the can out. I wasn't sure if she was going to toss them across 1 lane of freeway or if I was just supposed to reach out while going 82 miles an hour and take it from her. It was the 2nd one. I rolled my window down and we pulled our combined 3 tons of metal, glass and gasoline within inches of each other. Luckily for everyone involved, (and that includes the 15-22 cars traveling at freeway speeds behind us.), I have played a lot of Grand Theft Auto and we managed to pull off the exchange on the 2nd try. Probably up there with one of the coolest things I've ever been apart of. (I know, it's not been that great or exciting for me). Anytime you mix RedBull, hot blonde girls and burning rubber, it's pretty freaking awesome!

- Went on a few dates with a really pretty girl, that was way too smart for me to fool into thinking that I would be a good match. It took her less than 5 dates to realize that there were better options. I learned, that apparently, it is extremely important for me to have a degree and make less money than I do now in order to be "in the running" for her own version of elimi-date. Trust me folks, of all the things that are unattractive about me, that one wasn't previously on the list...... It still isn't. :)

UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

BLOG ON!

Grand Theft Blogo!

2008-06-03T16:11:00.004-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I joined millions of other uber dorks and bought Grand Theft Auto IV for the PlayStation 3. I even went down to the local Game Crazy at midnight to be one of the first nerds to own it. I stood knee deep in nincompoop creepiness and waited for the Grand Master Simpleton to hand me my copy of what might be the coolest video game ever made. (At least that's what the unshaven, unkempt, fatty, nitwit behind me in line told me) Seriously though, there were probably 50+ people over the age of 30 waiting to get a copy of this......AT MIDNIGHT!!!

Side note:

I would like to take a moment to point out the differences between me and the rest of the mob. Not because I think I'm better than them, but because I don't have many "winning" qualities as it is and I don't need people thinking I'm a nerd too.

- I didn't have to tell my mom to wait in the car.
- I don't live in her basement.
- I had showered at least once in the last 4 months.
- My facial hair was trimmed and minus of "debris".
- I have never wanted to name one of my children, Lord Vader.
- I brush my teeth.
- I have teeth.
- I have never been banished to South Minutobious by Dragon Master "Gary".
- I don't think The Lord of the Rings is a true story.
- I have never been abducted by aliens.
- I don't know, (or care), how many bowel movements Captain Kirk had during his time aboard The Enterprise.
- I have not, (nor will I ever), worn a diaper so that I don't lose my place in line to see Star Wars.
- I don't think we are all hooked up to "The Matrix". (cause if Keanu Reeves is really our only option, we're all *****d!)
- If I ever see Gillian Anderson in public, I will not call her Agent Scully.

To be fair I will also now include a few similarities:

- I too, have not felt the soft, sensual touch of a woman for over 16 months.
- I have always wanted to dress up as a Stormtrooper on days not called Halloween.
- I would name one of my children, Darth.
- I would also name his/her little brother/sister, Bobba Fett.
- I do believe it's possible for one ring to rule them all.
- I may have been "probed" by an "alien".
- I am curious as to whether or not the bathroom doors aboard The Enterprise made that same "whoosh" noise when they opened.
- I would let Gillian Anderson handcuff me and call me Agent Mulder.

END SIDE NOTE

I don't think there has been a gathering of humans quite like this since the Staples Center double booked Comic Con and Kobe Bryant's, "I'm sorry I raped that girl and got caught, but I'm gonna pay her off and get away with it and buy my wife a HUGE diamond ring to make her forget about it too." press conference.

Nothing brings together both sides of darkness and light, like the release of a video game. Even the un-nerdiest of people play video games. It allows them the opportunity to do things that they would normally never do. For instance, shoot a hooker in the face after you have paid her for sex, so that you can take your money back. Or punch a guy in the face for calling me names after I accidentally bump into him while running from the cops. One of the "missions" even had your character track down a girlfriend of one of the other characters to see if she was cheating. She was. I killed her. Problem solved.

You are also given the opportunity to "date". This might be my favorite part of Grand Theft Auto. Even I can convince a pixelated female that I am a worthy mate. All I have to do is throw on a pixelated suit, steal a pixelated car and remember not to shoot or run over anyone while I drive her across town to the bar, play some pool, get drunk, and drive us both home.

The game will also keep track of successful dates and how many times you have "scored". Apparently, being a low life serial killer who cares so little about anyone else that you drive drunk, (which isn't easy by the way), 3 1/2 miles back to her place, is still more attractive to women than being me. It's also less painful. I can assure you that my "stats" in real life are not as impressive.

My real life is no where near as exciting as an hour of this game. People always tell me that it looks like I am up to something, that I have a very "expressive" face. I would love to confirm that I am really up to something, but most of the time I am just thinking about how fun it would be to stab you in the eye and watch you bleed out all over the floor....... THAT WAS A JOKE!!! I would never stab anyone in the eye on purpose. I will tell you what is really going on in my head..... There is a little maze and a mouse is trying to get to the exit and there are many obstacles in it's way. I smirk when the little sucker figures a way out of his little predicament. Seriously, that's pretty much what is going on most of the time. When I really glaze over, it's probably because he has just found his way to the exit and the other mice are throwing him a little party, with little bottles of Dr. Pepper and little Oreo cookies.

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to be Ted Bundy, here's your chance. The best part is that after an hour or five, you can turn off your PS3, shower, and go back to being a normal human being. You don't have to worry about going to jail or hell, just watch an episode of South Park and you'll be back on track. Remember, video games don't kill people. People that play Grand Theft Auto and hone their skills as menaces to society, kill people.

Until next time, Blog On!

"Righting" a blog.....

2008-04-03T11:00:00.010-06:00

Apparently my last blog did not reach the lofty standards that many of you have come to expect from World Champion Softball players. That's right people, I'm a World Champion softball player. Not a New York Times Best Selling Author. Nor an Oscar winning screenwriter. Nor a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist. I haven't even won a "Bloggie". (I did win ugliest mask at a Halloween party once and I didn't dress up.)

My point is that it's not easy trying to make people laugh with you while they laugh at how sad you really are. I was a goofy looking kid, (glasses, braces, etc.), and I learned early on that if I didn't make people laugh, I was gonna get the shit beat out of me before I could drive a car. With the currency of laughter, I aligned myself with all ranges of people. Pretty girls, weight lifters, athletes, teachers, math geeks, rich kids, poor kids, janitors, bus drivers, mailmen, pharmacists, racists, farmers, and those kids that always, ALWAYS, have chocolate. Then I grew up, (debate amongst yourselves), and realized that laughter still kept me from getting beat up physically, but "The Game of Life" requires a much different kind of currency.... Good looks, piles of money, large trucks, boats, and huge genitalia. (I have not confirmed the last one, but since things are not working out so hot for me, I'm 88.6% sure.)

My single greatest accomplishment is that I was on a team that won a huge softball tournament in another state. Pretty sad. (It's even sadder that you have to constantly hear about it.) When I started doing this, I would write about what I did the previous weekend and what interesting things were happening in my life. That took up about two blogs. After that I realized that if I wanted people to read this, I would have to make it interesting, funny and somewhat thought provoking. Unfortunately for all of you, my life is only one of those. (Bet you can't guess which one.)

Nobody wants to hear about how many X-Files episodes I watched last night. (3). No one cares what I had for dinner, (2 KFC Snakers, 16 oz. Pepsi, small order of fries), or what I read while I was "using" the potty. (The Target Ad). My life on a daily basis is not that interesting. Stretch it out over a week and there may be one thing worth mentioning, but I don't think anyone really cares that I won Solitaire 12 times this week while I listened to depressing songs from my iTunes collection. (You wanna slip into a depression coma? Play Solitaire while you listen to Air Supply try to figure out why there are "Two Less Lonely People in the World".) Stretch it out over a month and I can fill a couple of sentences about how many times I cried myself to sleep. (14) Or how many times I wished I was one of the non-gay characters in a Harry Potter novel. (6) Or how many times I woke up thinking I had just slept with Kate Beckinsale. (87)

I know some of you are thinking, "Well, if you have nothing better to do, why can't you deliver a blog that is funny from start to finish every single time?" I say to you, there has only been one person in the history of this world that bats a thousand every time, and he only comes once a year! So if you only want one a year, keep it up! (P.S. if you're reading this Santa, thanks for the iPod Touch. As always, you knew just what I was thinking.)

Writing a blog is not all Dr. Pepper and Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies! It's a full time job! It takes time to marinate in the piss and vinegar that is my brain. I can't just sit down and write about all the things that make me bitter and angry, I would never stop typing. I need time to be able to process the thoughts of doubt, fear, rejection, self loathing, and sadness into paragraphs filled with jokes, curse words, and twisted insight.

Turning depression and loneliness into pithy one-liners is a skill that takes years of constant disappointment and failure. There are no books or online classes about how to turn daily defeats into an episode of Seinfeld. (Actually, there might be, but I'm too busy to check because I'm writing blogs to make up for blogs that weren't as funny as the last blog.)

It might shock some of you that I don't find everything funny. Here is a list of things that are not funny.....

-Math
-Shampoo that burns your eyes
-Eczema
-The girl at my work who sneezes in bunches of 16! (I swear to Zeus if she doesn't get some damn Claritin!)
-That other "thing" at my work who sends an email off to Human Resource every time the iPod volume reaches a level that only dogs, Superman and liberal immigrants can hear.
-Diarrhea
-Vomit
-Red Heads (Except the Weaver Family and my red headed cousins)
-Homosexuals
-Tape Worms
-Telemarketers
-Mold
-The Disney "Vault" (If I wanna buy The Little Mermaid more than once every 10 years, I should have that option)
-Dogs wearing clothes (It's not cute either)
-The flying monkees from the Wizard of Oz (I know I mentioned them last blog, but they are seriously NOT funny)
-Having to show ID to get into the plastic balls at Chuck E. Cheese (If I can fit in the tunnel that leads me to the balls, I should be able to stay in there.)
-Mr. Pibb (Try again Coke, your "Dr. Pepper" rip off sucks!)
-Victoria Secret
-Rodeos
-Women's Basketball
-An empty cookie jar
-Bunions
-Root Canals
-Needles
-Pea Soup
-Anything French (Unless it's jokes about the French)
-Brownies with nuts
-Being kicked in the "nuts"
-Laughing hyenas (Don't let the name fool ya!)
-Crocodile Dundee 2
-Home Alone 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, & 8
-People who use lists to make their blog postings look longer and more "filling"

In short, I will try to do better when writing future blogs. From now on, I will give the melancholic thoughts in my head time to soak in the sweet juice of "life", until it's damn good and ready to be turned into a blog worthy of an annual "Bloggie" nomination. Life is what I make of it and nobody is more qualified to tell you what life really means to me, than me. I am also aware that no one is more qualified to tell you what life means to you than me. So until next time..... Blog On!

The Greater Good For Nothing....

2008-03-24T19:28:00.008-06:00

I would love to say that I have been busy since we last shared a giggle or two. I would love to report about a date or one night stand. I would love to sit here and tell you all that I've been busy working out (I don't even like doing a "sit up" to get the remote) and that I come home from the gym too tired to Jog On!

Luckily for all of you, I have spent the last month or so, tearing my hamstring, taking a softball off the inside of my leg like it was shot from a civil war cannon two feet away, and getting the inside of my mouth cut open and infection scraped from my jaw bone. SO...... Now that the stitches have all dissolved from my mouth, I am ready to write about how wonderful life is at ........................................... Lehi, UT 84043. (I included my full address in case there are any of you that would like to Google that and then stop by and visit, possibly watch a Jazz game or an episode of the X-Files, while we wait for a pepperoni pizza to be delivered.... But then my mom worried about someone stealing my identity. I'm glad that she still thinks my identity is worth stealing. And so she can sleep at night I took it down.)

I attended church a couple of weeks ago (yes Mom, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.) And there was a girl going on and on about "The Greater Good". I wasn't really paying attention for a couple of reasons. (1. She was chewing gum as she spoke. and 2. She was ugly.)

Anywho... It made me realize that fat girls should not chew gum whilst speaking in public. I also realized that knowledge is not power, knowledge is sadness. Don't believe me? Remember when you were a kid? Remember how happy you were?

You were happy because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

Still don't believe me? Before you finish reading this blog, over 17 cats and dogs in your neighborhood will have been run over by cars.

Bet you wish you could erase that knowledge. But it's too late. You learned something new, and it made you sad. Life is just more of the same.

Which brings me to my point....

Ignorance isn't just bliss, it's PARADISE!

Some will argue that knowledge is power. Wrong! Electricity is power. Don't believe me? Turn the lights off, now try turning them back on with your mind. Didn't work did it?

Knowledge has been making people sad since the beginning of time.

Remember Adam and Eve? Well, life was great for them. They were naked everyday. (Seriously guys, imagine the woman of your dreams walking around naked, ALL! THE! TIME!) She made dinner. They watched television (without commercials), with lions and bears. They talked about the silly things their pet badger did that morning. They could eat at Cafe Rio whenever they wanted without having to wait in a 3 hour line to get a damn burrito. And then, one day Eve gets lazy and is hurrying home from a hard days work of doing nothing and lets a snake talk her into getting "fast food" instead of making something healthy.

Does anyone remember the name of the tree where the snake got the fruit? (P.S. How the hell (get it?) did the snake get the fruit in the 1st place? Wasn't it being guarded? Did the guy fall asleep or did it happen during a shift change?) That's right it was the Tree of Knowledge! Not the tree of "If you eat this, your girlfriend will leave you, move to Las Vegas, get married and never talk to you again." THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE!!!

I think we all know the rest. Eve put on clothes and then one of their kids killed another one of their kids. Knowledge thus brings sadness to Adam.

Need another example?

Not too long after Adam, there was a man who spent his days scaring birds away from the farmers crops. We'll call him "Scarecrow". He had a great job. He got a new flannel shirt every season and didn't have bills to pay. Then one day, someone (probably a woman), tells him that he doesn't have a brain. He didn't come to this on his own, as he unaware of the fact. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN. (you with me so far?) Then he gets all depressed and decides to quit his job, and walk miles and miles to find a "wizard" that can give him a brain. I'm not even gonna tell you what the creepy flying monkeys do to him.

What happened when he gets his "brain"? He realizes that he had one the whole time and that the trip was a complete waste of time. (If he didn't already have a brain, how did he come up with the lyrics to the song he sings about not having a brain?) Also, the "wizard", wasn't even a real wizard. He was pretending so that he could score with one of the Munchkins. (He had a midget fetish).

I grew up in a small town and I don't have a college degree. I don't even know how to spell quiche. I think about the things that I have learned and how most of them are completely useless to other human beings. Most of them are completely useless to me.

(Here's one that isn't useless, "you can break a window with a Nerf ball.")

I wouldn't wish some of the things I know on most people. I have learned that I am capable of many things that smarter people would never consider to be options. At one time I believed that things happen for a reason and that it was possible to make decisions based on "The Greater Good". But this is where is gets tricky. We all make decisions based on what our perception of the outcome will be and sometimes we convince ourselves that we can "affect" the outcome. How will this decision affect those around me? Once we have made a decision, we gain knowledge. The thing that is scary about knowledge is that once we have it, we sometimes make the same bad decisions over and over again. Knowing what I know now, would I choose to do something different? Experiences are the currency for future decisions.

I think Joan Osborne said it best when she said, "If God had a face, what would it look like and would you wanna see, if seeing meant that you would have to believe in things like Heaven and Jesus and the Saints and all the Prophets?"

I say, "Yeah, Yeah, God is good, God is great!"

It's a little bit like watching Lost. If you knew what was going on, you wouldn't watch. Do you think that M. Night Shyamalan gasped at the end of "The Sixth Sense"? (The answer is no, he didn't.) I don't know what the hell is going on and I don't pretend too. I'm certainly not going to get up in front of a group of people (whilst chewing gum) and try to explain to them about something I know nothing about. I'm just going to know that learning makes me sad and that is why I cried when Charlie died and when I learned that Doogie Howser is gay and when I learned that I could not dress as Wonder Woman on any other day than Halloween and when I learned that the Sesame Street Executives where not going to allow the Cookie Monster to pig out on cookies cause it was giving kids the "wrong idea about cookies"! THEY'RE COOKIES AND HE'S THE G.D. COOKIE MONSTER!!!!

(Seriously though, if you do know what the hell is going on on LOST, please email me your theories at christiansanders23@yahoo.com)

I'm pretty sure there is almost always hope, unless there isn't, but hopefully there is.

2008-02-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

Remember the last time someone cried near you? Remember how awkward it was? Suddenly you don't know what to do with your arms or hands, you're legs are frozen. If you're me, you try not to laugh. Do you give them a hug? Or just put your arm around them? Hold their hand? Pat their head? Start crying yourself? It's weird.

Of all the things you could do, I believe the worst thing you can do (besides start laughing), is to say something like, "It will be ok", or "I know how you feel", or "There is always hope". 1st of all, it might not be ok, ever, so don't write checks your butt can't cash. Secondly, you don't know how they feel and thinking about how you would feel if that crappy thing happened to you is like thinking you know what it's like to be a parent until you are one. Lastly, and most importantly, hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. Hope is the denial of reality. Benjamin Franklin said "He that lives upon hope will die fasting." Cliches are the worst form of comfort. I have decided today that I would take a look at some of the world's worst cliches and put sort of a 31 year old, lonely twist on them. Obviously I won't get to all of them. So if I have left out one of your favorites, I am truly sorry, all I can say is "I know how you feel".

Years ago, there was a Far Side cartoon that had a man yelling at his dog and in the first column, there is a headline that says "What we say" and the man was saying, "Ok, Ginger! I've had it! You stay out of the garbage! Understand, Ginger? Stay out of the garbage, or else!". In the next column there was a headline that said "What dogs hear" and the dog hears, "Blah, Ginger! Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Blah, Ginger? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" That's kind of how this is going to work. I will first state the overused cliche and then I will re-state what I hear in my undersized brain. Here we go.....

One who has health has hope, and one who has hope has everything. WHAT I HEAR... One who has health has hope, and one who has hope was everything, except if he wants to buy a boat to impress his girlfriend and then you try buying a boat with hope.

Hope is the poor man's bread. WHAT I HEAR... No, Bread is the poor man's bread. (Seriously, try telling a starving poor man, "You know what, I don't have any bread, but here's a nice warm cup of hope!" "That'll fill you up.")

Curiosity killed the cat. WHAT I HEAR... Upon further review, it actually was all the BB's from the shotgun blast, riddled throughout the cat's face and abdomen that killed the cat.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. WHAT I HEAR... But you can buy a new, younger, smarter, better looking dog and drive the old dog out to the middle of nowhere, leave it for dead.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you. WHAT I HEAR... Don't bite the hand that feeds you cause that same hand was just using the bathroom and didn't wash up and I'm not putting that anywhere near my mouth. In fact, I'm not even going to eat what you just fed me cause you touched it with your diseased hand.

Does life stop when a pen is out of ink? WHAT I HEAR... No, it stops when your heart does. It doesn't have anything to do with a pen, unless you're stabbed in the heart by a pen that is out of ink, then yes, it does.

Don't judge a book by it's cover. WHAT I HEAR... Don't judge a book by it's cover, unless the book's cover is really unattractive, fat, has less money than other book's, lives on the third row of a 3-story book shelf all by it's self and has nothing better to offer you than the books you would get in say, Las Vegas, for instance.

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. WHAT I HEAR... Uh, I can't even make a Pop-Tart without burning the hell out of it. A mountain is a bit of a stretch, don't you think?

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. WHAT I HEAR... Don't put all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter and then the kid with the most eggs is the one God loves the most.

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight. WHAT I HEAR... Did we learn nothing from The Last Samurai?

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. WHAT I HEAR... So all I have to do to make my back stop hurting, have more money so girls will stick around and be not dumb, is wake up earlier? Sounds iffy. Also, if I'm awake more, doesn't that just give me more time to think about how useless I am, thus making me less healthy? And if I'm less healthy, I can't work, making me less wealthy. Certainly, that is not wise.

Even a dog can distinguish between being stumbled over and being kicked. WHAT I HEAR... Yet that same dog thinks it's own poo and a steak are both menu items. So it's powers of distinguishness are a little warped.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. WHAT I HEAR... So a broken clock is still right more times a day than me. And if you combine that over the course of a year, (730 times), it's even more depressing.

Money can't buy me love. WHAT I HEAR... Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me a bunch of shit that people will love me for, which is pretty much the same thing.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. WHAT I HEAR... Unless that person gets shot in a drive by and then they died of a gunshot wound.

He who sleeps forgets his hunger. WHAT I HEAR... Until he wakes up.

Home is where the heart is. WHAT I HEAR... No, your chest is where your heart is. My body is not a temple either while we are on the subject.

Honesty is the best policy. WHAT I HEAR... Lying is honestly the best policy. Cause it's pretty much about saving my own ass and honesty doesn't usually factor in at all.

Hunger is the best spice. WHAT I HEAR... Actually, sweet basil is the best spice. Or cumin. Sometimes nutmeg is good on chicken.

It is better to die on one's feet than live on one's knees. WHAT I HEAR... Is this actually a cliche or Monica Lewinsky's testimony?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. WHAT I HEAR... If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Seriously though, after three tries, if you still can't do it, you're never going to. Just give up and pay someone else to do it.

Honey catches more flies than vinegar. WHAT I HEAR... 1st of all, unless you have a pet frog or your name is Kermit, why do you need to catch flies? 2nd, poop is actually better than either at catching flies. 3rd, if you're pooping to catch flies then you are probably in a mental institution and you don't understand cliches anyway.

Ignorance is bliss. WHAT I HEAR... So is ignorance.

It was a blessing in disguise. WHAT I HEAR... It wasn't a blessing then. Blessings aren't like clowns or Halloween. Clowns and Halloween are creepy. And creepy things come from the devil.

If you keep your mouth shut, you won't put your foot in it. WHAT I HEAR... You'll also starve to death or suffocate. So, Catch 22 I guess.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. WHAT I HEAR... If you want chocolates on your pillow, sleep with Mrs. Cavanaugh.

If something can go wrong, it will. WHAT I HEAR... If something could go right, it won't.

If you can't beat them, join them. WHAT I HEAR... If beating them isn't working, use a gun and shoot them.

If you can't be good, be good at it. WHAT I HEAR... Be good at sucking? That is really not uplifting or inspiring at all. If you can't be good, stop doing it, you are making a fool out of yourself. Seriously, just stop.

All good things must come to an end. WHAT I HEAR... But crappy things last forever.

All that glitters is not gold. WHAT I HEAR... But it's probably expensive, so...

All good things come to those who wait. WHAT I HEAR... All good things go to those who have more money, cause they just go out and buy whatever it is that you are waiting for.

Where there's a will theres a way. WHAT I HEAR... Unless I'm in someone's will, there is no way.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. WHAT I HEAR... Don't you also need sugar and water to make lemonade? Cause straight lemon juice is gross. And when things are crappy, I really don't feel like driving all the way to the store to get sugar to put a smile on my face. I don't like lemonade anyway. It would be a wasted trip.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. WHAT I HEAR... Where do the tough people go? Isn't this why it's tough? Because when it gets tough they leave and I have to do all their crap. It might work better if when the going got tough, they would just stay and suffer like the rest of us.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. WHAT I HEAR... Everyone lies.

A watched pot never boils. WHAT I HEAR... Until the water reaches 212 ºF. Pretty much can't stop it from happening. Physics and shit.

His bark is worse than his bite. WHAT I HEAR... Nope, dogs bark cause they're pissed, scared or annoyed and if you keep it up, they'll rip your face off. It'll be worse and it'll hurt like hell. You might get Rabies and die. HOW IS THAT NOT WORSE?!?!? I've never had stitches for a dog bark.

To understand a man, walk a mile in his shoes. WHAT I HEAR... What if his shoes don't fit? Won't that make me hate him more at the end of the mile?

Beggers can't be choosers. WHAT I HEAR... Yes they can. If women and Dennis Rodman can vote, beggers can choose.

Boys will be boys. WHAT I HEAR... Unless the boys are gay and then they'll be girls.

Courtesy costs nothing. WHAT I HEAR... But being nice has cost me everything.

The early bird gets the worm. WHAT I HEAR... The second mouse gets the cheese.

If you snooze, you lose. WHAT I HEAR... The snoozing worm is still alive.

The grass is always greener on the other side. WHAT I HEAR... Quit complaining and ask them what fertilizer they are using.

AND FINALLY....

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. WHAT I HEAR... Unless it's really clever and will make everyone else laugh. Then you'll be really popular and everyone will want to be your friend. And isn't that what life is all about?

Hopefully this has been a valuable lesson. Please for the love of all that is holy, don't say crap that you think is helping. It's not. It's actually making it worse. Alison Krauss said it best when she said, "You say it best when you say nothing at all".

Until next time.... JOG ON!

Where does Satan go now for the winter?

2008-01-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Snow fell in Baghdad for the first time today! That's right kids! Baghdad! It is finally cold in Hell! Things are finally looking up for me. Suddenly, light has cracked through the dark cloud of impending doom and I have to shade my eyes. I haven't been this excited since Al Gore invented Snickers. (Can you imagine that, by the way, Al sitting at Mama Gore's eating a Baby Ruth and thinking... "This chocolaty sweet is delightful, but it's missing something..... Ahh nougat!" "Mama Gore!" "Get the Mars Inc. people on that phone thingy that Dad invented!") This remarkable event has brought me back out of hibernation and inspired me to write a blog for the first time in months. Just when you thought that it couldn't get worse in Baghdad, they get snowed on by the evil "Infidelic Western Winter Storm Clouds". Proving once and for all that God's sense of humor is better than Allah's. I mean, when's the last time a dust cloud blew through Alaska? Take that religion of peace!!

Good News - (That has a snowballs chance in Hell of happening)
1. I will have a meaningful relationship that lasts longer than 3 - 40 months.
2. The girl will be good looking and "undamaged".
3. She will like me for me and not the piles of money that other younger, better looking, big truck driving, boat owning, world traveling, large home building, own business running, undamaged men have.
4. The Hobbit will finally get made with Peter Jackson directing.
5. Newt will run and win in "08.
6. Barry Bonds will go to jail and get "shanked" by OJ on the way to "recess"
7. Dexter will never, ever, be caught.
8. The Mountain will be available to all DirecTV customers.
9. The Minnesota Vikings will find a white quarterback to lead their offense to a Super Bowl Win.
10. Ford will make a reliable, cost effective, stylish vehicle.
11. Brittney Spears will rediscover the mother inside her.
12. Mariska Hargitay will return my calls, emails, text messages, SVU scripts, etc, etc.
13. A Paris Hilton/Professor Dumbledore sex tape will appear on YouTube, proving once and for all that Albus Dumbledore is not a homo. (But is in fact, very "bendy" for an 413 year old man)
14. Fox will realize it made a huge mistake and bring back Arrested Development.
15. Saturday Night Live will be funny.
16. Major cell phone providers will start charging $67.95 a second for phone calls answered or dialed from movie theaters.
17. Mexicans will have to get past a river, a barbed wire fence, a huge glass laden brick wall, and the new American Gladiators to get into this country.
18. Braveheart will be available in BluRay.
19. Global Warming will finally happen in Utah, so I can stop driving to Las Vegas to play softball in the "cold months".
20. Cubs win the World Series
and finally....
21. Ice Cold Dr. Pepper will appear in my hand whenever I snap my fingers. (This could technically be accomplished by #1)

It's not all frostbite and pneumonia in the Middle East though. There is some bad news too.
For Example:
1. You try raping and torturing in the cold.
2. Burlington Coat Factory commercials will now feature Muslims in orange colored parkas and shawled windbreakers.
3. The annual dirt farmers convention will now have to be rescheduled for June.
4. Dynamite will now have to be water proofed before strapping it on.
5. You think keeping your floors clean in the winter is hard? At least your floor doesn't turn into mud.
6. Caves will now have to have doors and a welcome mat.
7. Three words.... Frozen Goat's Milk.
8. Keffiyah's will now be made of "itchy" wool.
9. There is nothing in the Quran about "white" snow.
And lastly...
I'm gonna have to stop saying "It'll be a cold day in Hell before..."

I Don't Care What You Say, I'm Taking Sienna Miller EVERY SINGLE TIME!

2007-10-18T10:56:00.001-06:00

What Would You Do For Love?

(please re-read in "Movie Trailer Guy" voice)

I'm sure that's not the first time someone has asked you that question. But have you ever really thought about it? I think about it all the time. Since this is a blog and not a forum, (see dictionary for difference), answer the questions quietly.....to yourself.....not out loud. In other words, "I have a microphone and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!" Here's a few things other's have done for love......

1. Captain Lone Star risked his life, understanding of the Schwartz, death by Pizza, and friendship with his life long best buddy Barfolemew, to save a semi-good looking princess with tons of money.

2. Inigo Montoya sacrificed his childhood and money, ("I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in the revenge business."), to find the man with an extra protuberance on his right hand, only to realize that once he'd killed him, he was a middle-aged man with no family, scars on his face and a one way ticket to hell for doing the exact same thing Count Rugen had done. (Irony never misses it's mark!)

3. Shrek became something he wasn't so that a "hot" princess would love him, only to find out that she was just as shallow, ugly and insecure as he was. (What a perfect couple!)

4. Romeo sacrificed "delivery conformation" to rebel against years of inbreeding and fixed marriages between two families who have nothing better to do than set their rich kids up with other rich kids and set them loose on society. (See Paris Hilton) What did he think was going to happen? That Juliet was the answer to ending a decade long family feud? Do you think the Federline's regret the "Spears Meal Ticket" now?

5. Paris (not that Paris), started "World War 1-A" by abducting Helen. His achilles hill (tee hee) was Spartan women who should have been off limits for a number of reasons. As Jim & Suzanne like to constantly remind me, "If she's married..... Probably a red flag!" Paris gave up family, friends and the lives of many countryman for love. Only to die before he could have it.

6. Meat Loaf would do anything but "that" for love.

Meat is full of crap! None of these men from our little trip through history and fairy tales regret what they became or did. Decisions are easier made when love gets involved. When you love someone, you do things that you would not even consider optional before. For example, if you said to Paris (still not that Paris), "Hey, Pare, (that's what his friends called him), do you want to start a war with Menalaus today, just for fun?" He would say "Hell no, are you freaking crazy, that guy has a HUGE army and that Achilles fella!" "He'd kill us all just for thinking it!" Now if you said "Hey, Pare, (his friends call him that in both versions), do you want to steal Menalaus's smokin hot wife Helen and bring her back here and watch her comb her hair..... NAKED?" He would say "Hells ya!"

Do you honestly think Inigo cared that he had to start every single conversation with someone, "I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?"...... AWKWARD!

And kiddies, Shrek would have sold Donkey's soul to the devil to end up with Fiona, human form or not!

I have made decisions that are hard to explain to those that have never felt like I have about love. Unlike Meat Loaf, I would do ANYTHING for love, including "that". Meat Loaf would give up his "Dr. Pepper" for love too. He's just a rock star and has to act all "hard" and shit.

I have seen a lot of movies, listened to a ton of "love songs", and read copious amounts of books. But nothing quite nailed it for me like a book I read earlier this year. Stardust by Neil Gaiman was not only a great book, but maybe the best book I have ever read. I could relate with Tristan's naive way of believing that other's would understand his ridiculous quest to retrieve a falling star for the woman he loved. He doesn't know how he's going to pull it off or even care about the consequences, he was in love with her and tried to show it by outdoing the other suitors. Learning in the process what love really is and giving a perfect formula for how to recognize the difference between being in love and being in lust. The best part of the story isn't so much what Tristan learns, but what Victoria learns about people like him. He was willing to do anything for love and he didn't regret any of it. Even knowing how it would end, (I'm not going to ruin it, READ IT!), I'm sure Tristan would do it all again, exactly the same way.

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

Our hearts don't belong to us and when you find someone who wants nothing but that, hold the BEEP on! In the mean time, borrow money from Pizza the Hut, kill anyone with six fingers, try to be someone your not, date people that your parents will not approve of, and don't let the annihilation of an entire country keep you from the woman you love!

Maybe we could all learn something from a falling star?

Softball and Sarcasm

2007-10-10T09:20:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is October 11th and marks the 87th anniversary of the death of Henry J. Heinz, founder of the world's greatest ketchup. He is also the great grandfather of John Heinz, Republican Senator from Pennsylvania. Senator Heinz served in the senate from 1977-1991. On April 4th, 1991, Heinz and six other people were killed when a Bell 412 helicopter collided with the Senator's Piper Aerostar plane over Merion Elementary School in Lower Merion Township, Pennsylvania. All aboard the two aircrafts and two first-grade girls playing outside the school were killed. The helicopter had been dispatched to check out a problem Heinz's plane was having with its landing gear. While moving in for a closer look, the helicopter's rotor blades struck the bottom of the plane, causing both aircraft to lose control and crash.

I am working on a theory that we are only good at two things. We can be adequate at many things, but are only really good at two of them. I, for example, am only good at softball and sarcasm. I suck at being a brother, a husband, a son and am pretty sure I will not be good at being a father. However, by the time I am allowed to have children or a wife again, things may be different during the Millennium. I do realize that being good at softball is not that impressive, but that is the card I have been dealt. I can't put it on a resume, and frankly it's not the kind of thing you bring up when other people are bragging about their "talents". The sarcasm however, has come in handy on more than 274 occasions. I can even be sarcastic about being sarcastic. There may be a few people who know me that may disagree, but sugar coating it doesn't magically make one better at one's adequacy's.

To further prove my point, Senator Heinz was good at two things also. Being a Republican and Ketchup. For those of you that don't eat a lot of ketchup, let me try to explain this as best I can. Heinz is to the ketchup world as Fuddrucker's is to the burger world. There are other ketchup's, but there's just something about a little German sweat mixed with a tomato that is pretty hard to duplicate.

In February of 1966, Senator Heinz married Teresa Simões-Ferreira. They were married until the Senator's death in 1991 and when Senator Heinz died, Teresa inherited all of his family's ketchup fortune. In 1995 Teresa married another US Senator. John Kerry. Teresa remained a registered Republican until her current husband's run to the White House. She spent a lot of my hard earned money that I spent buying her wonderful ketchup on making a Liberal run to the White House. Unfortunatly, Teresa is only good at two things. Pretending to be German, and explaining to Larry King, on national television, about her last name "My legal name is still Teresa Heinz. Teresa Heinz Kerry is my name... (only) for politics. Just so people don't ask me questions about so and so is so and so's wife or this and that. Teresa Heinz is what I've been all my growing-up life, adult life, more than any other name. And it's the name of my boys, you know?...So, that's my legal name and that's my office name, my Pittsburgh name." (HUH?)

For a while I tried boycotting Heinz ketchup thinking I was doing my "Conservative" part. But after a few crappy tasting hot dogs, I broke down. I will not use ketchup unless it is made by German's in Korean built factory's located on American soil. You see Teresa thought that she could be good at more than two things and tried running the country with ketchup blood money. It didn't work for her and it won't work for the rest of you. Ketchup can not be used to make a President or jell-o. So you see, just like the rest of God's wonderful creation's, ketchup is also good at just two things, BURGERS and HOT DOGS!!! Please people, for the love of all that is holy, don't use ketchup for any other reason. Just put it on the damn BBQ'd meat and enjoy!

Until the next time.... JOG ON!!!

Columbus Gets A Day Off And He Doesn't Even Work Here!

2007-10-09T10:39:00.000-06:00

I was thinking yesterday how messed up holidays in this country are. (Mostly I think I was just upset that the mail was not being delivered and I still haven't seen my Ann Coulter book). Isn't it ironic that the Indians eliminated the Yankees on the very day we celebrate the Yankees essentially eliminating the Indians? It's like when that fat, white guy from Missouri won the powerball on Martin Luther King Day. Or the fact that virgins get Labor Day off. Doesn't make any damn sense. And can we PLEASE move Thanksgiving to a Friday so that I don't have to come back to work after I have just eaten enough food to "Save Darfur"?

I went up to The Gateway yesterday. I was looking for some shoes that I can wear to work. I stopped in Barnes & Noble to get a book to read while I wait for the book that I pre-ordered to have before everyone else had it and still haven't received, even though I could have bought it 14 time in the last 5 days in almost every store I went in, INCLUDING BEST BUY!!!! Anyway, I bought Jeff Lindsay's Darkly Dreaming Dexter. If you haven't seen the TV show (Dexter), based on the book, check it out. Back to the shoes..... I went into Banana Republic and learned a valuable lesson. DO NOT WEAR CLOTHES FROM BANANA REPUBLIC WHILE SHOPPING IN BANANA REPUBLIC!!! The gay man behind the counter thought I was trying to steal them. I told him I had bought them a couple of days ago and came back to get some shoes. He said that he worked a couple of days ago and didn't remember seeing me. I informed the homosexual that there are other Banana Republic stores in Utah with other elicit homo's who also remember everyone who walks in the door and that if he liked he could contact him via whatever means of communication that "they" contact each other and check it out. He ended up having to check my account online before he would let me leave. To make a long story short, I didn't get any shoes.

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs on another fabulous disappointment! (Only the French have sucked for as long as the Cubs) As Creed so wonderfully put it on The Office: "I hear the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series. Let that be a lesson to everyone: That’s what you get for making love to a goat in center field." Enough said....

Last week's poll finished with Heroes winning by 1 vote over The Closer. Be sure to check out this week's poll and as always......... JOG ON!!!

Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!

2007-10-04T07:59:00.000-06:00

Well, it's October 4th and I'm about to start another exciting day at The Daily Herald! The Playoffs have started and everything had been going according to planned. The Rockies beat the sucky Phillies 4-2 and the Red Sox beat the Angels 4-0. David Ortiz is just freaking awesome. Then 8:00 rolled around and the Cubs took the field in the desert to take on the Diamondbacks. I started swearing at about the 5 inning mark after the Cubs had left 2 consecutive lead off doubles still standing on 2nd. It is nice to see that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Terrible situational hitting, terrible base running, Soriano 0-5, Derek Lee struck out 3 times, (twice looking) and they wasted a great outing by Zambrano (again). Oh well at least I will get to see 3 more Cubs games than I normally do. Good thing the Vikings are playing so well..... Wait A SECOND!

Ann Coulter's new book hit shelves yesterday. Mine should be delivered today. I'll let you know how it is.

Only 1 more day to vote on the poll and it looks like The Closer and Heroes are tied. After having seen the 1st two episodes from this season, I would have to say that Heroes is great but not quite as good as The Closer. Thank you, thank you so much......

Well as always, blog you tomorrow. JOG ON!!!

News article of the day:

Not content to wait for my book to come out, Senate Democrats are demanding a censure resolution against Rush Limbaugh. Ah, the memories ...

In my experience, having prominent Democrats censure you on the Senate floor is the equivalent of 50 book signings. Or being put on the cover of The New York Times magazine 20 years ago when people still read The New York Times magazine. They should rename Senate censure resolutions "Harry Reid's Book Club."

Liberals are hopping mad because Rush Limbaugh referred to phony soldiers as "phony soldiers." They claim he was accusing all Democrats in the military of being "phony."
True, all Democrats in the military are not phony soldiers, but all phony soldiers seem to be Democrats.

If we are to believe the self-descriptions of callers to talk radio and the typical soldier interviewed on MSNBC, the military is fairly bristling with Moveon.org types.

The reality is quite the opposite. While liberals have managed to worm themselves into every important institution in America, from the public schools to the CIA to charitable foundations, they are shamefully absent from the military.

As noted in that great book that came out this week, "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans":

"According to a Military Times survey taken in September 2004, active-duty military personnel preferred President Bush to Kerry by about 73 percent to 18 percent. Sixty percent describe themselves as Republican and less than 10 percent call themselves Democrat (the same 10 percent that MSNBC has on its speed-dial). Even among the veterans, Republicans outnumber Democrats 46 percent to 22 percent."

So there aren't a lot of anti-war military types for the media to turn into this month's "It Girl." (If conservatives ran the media, there would be a constant stream of government employees admitting to sloth and incompetence, welfare recipients admitting to being welfare cheats and public schoolteachers who support school vouchers.) Sometimes liberals get desperate and have to concoct Tawana Brawley veterans.

In addition to famous fake soldiers promoted by the anti-war crowd, like Jesse MacBeth and "Winter Soldier" Al Hubbard, even liberals with actual military experience are constantly being caught in the middle of some liberal hoax.

Al Gore endlessly bragged to the media about his service in Vietnam. "I took my turn regularly on the perimeter in these little firebases out in the boonies. Something would move, we'd fire first and ask questions later," he told Vanity Fair. And then we found out Gore had a personal bodyguard in Vietnam, the most dangerous weapon he carried was a typewriter, and he left after three months. Although to his credit, Gore did not put in for a Purple Heart for the carpal tunnel syndrome he got from all that typing.

Speaking of which, John Kerry claimed to be a valiant, Purple Heart-deserving Vietnam veteran, who spent Christmas 1968 in Cambodia -- until he ran for president and more than 280 Swift Boat Veterans called him a liar. We've been waiting more than 20 months for Kerry to make good on his "Meet the Press" pledge to sign form 180, which would allow the military to release his records.

Then there was Bill Burkett, who gave CBS the phony National Guard documents; Scott Thomas Beauchamp, The New Republic's fantasist anti-war "Baghdad Diarist"; and Max Cleland, whose injuries were repeatedly and falsely described as a result of enemy fire.

Liberals will even turn a war hero like Pat Tillman into an anti-war cause celebre posthumously -- so he can't disagree. Tillman died in a friendly fire incident that occurred -- unlike Max Cleland's accident -- during actual combat with the enemy.

Because they are screaming, hysterical women, liberals treat friendly fire like a drunk driving accident. But friendly fire has been a part of war from time immemorial.

Liberals have an insane, litigious view of the military: There's been an accident in warfare, let's sue! It's as mad as the line from "Dr. Strangelove": "Gentlemen! No fighting in the War Room!" Golly jeepers, accidents can't happen in a war!

Contrary to the insinuations of his family, we don't know what Pat Tillman would say about the war he volunteered for, but we do know that he was a patriot until death. And we know what other patriots have said about friendly fire during a war.

In his book "Faith of My Fathers," John McCain describes how demoralized American prisoners of war in Vietnam were when they didn't hear any bombing for years. Finally, after a long bombing halt, Nixon renewed aerial bombing of North Vietnam in December 1972.

Our bombers couldn't know with precision where the enemy was holding (and torturing) our troops. McCain and the rest of those POWs could easily have been hit and killed by an American bomb.

But the POWs weren't denouncing the U.S. military for risking their lives with "friendly fire." They weren't crying Mommy, investigate this! Get me a trial lawyer!If their camp had been hit by American bombs, it would have been as the POWs were shouting: "God bless President Nixon!"

That's from their own mouths; that's what's in their hearts. Friendly fire -- to a nation that hasn't lost its wits -- is part of waging war.

If Democrats don't want to hear about "phony soldiers," maybe they should stop trying to edify us with these bathos-laden hoaxes.

Happy October!!

2007-10-01T09:15:00.000-06:00

Can you believe that it's October already? I love October in Utah. I turned the heat on in the morning and then turned the A/C on in the afternoon, then it snowed and so I turned the heat back on and then I turned the A/C back on during the football game. I think I ended up with the heat on, which is great cause today it's like 87 outside and when I get home it will be a wonderful 107 inside! :)

The Cubs start their playoff run against the Diamondbacks on Wednesday. Who knows, could I enjoy another "World Championship" this year? I don't know that my depression could handle all the positive energy. :) Speaking of which, the Vikings lost another one yesterday. At least my Fantasy Football team is still undefeated. I do need at least 55 points from Tom Brady and Chad Johnson tonight though. This is seriously the greatest time of the year. Baseball playoffs (just saying that sends chills up my deteriorating spine), College Football, NFL Football. It doesn't get any better.

I watched Braveheart this weekend for the 147th time. It still rips my heart out when Murron gives William the thistle at his dad's funeral. I also saw The Kingdom this weekend. Very, very good. Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman are awesome. I haven't seen a movie for a LONG time where people were clapping and cheering when "bad guys" died.

Well, I guess that's all for today. As always, be sure to vote if you haven't already. And here's todays best news article:

Five games into the 192-team USSSA Class D World Slow Pitch softball tournament, T-5 Star -- a team consisting largely of players from Utah County -- was undefeated, but was in no position to win it all.

Third baseman Christian Sanders hurt his back, outfielder Mike Smith was playing with a broken hand and outfielder Leroy Brown hurt his knee celebrating a big play.

But what do you know, T-5 Star not only won the world tournament, but finished the tournament with an 8-0 record last week in Detroit, Mich.

"I think everybody just realized this was the kind of thing you may never get to do again. We realized we were doing something that's just nuts. Never get to do that again," Sanders said. "For me, there was no way I was coming off field unless I absolutely couldn't go. Leroy (Brown) just couldn't go or he would have. You just had to forget about the pain an inning at a time."

T-5 Star outscored its opponents 84-48 for the tournament and had a 5-0 record through the first two days of tournament play. But with injuries mounting, the team went to the bullpen and called on outfielder Scott Adams, who was one of three team members to play on a team from Utah that won the "D" World tournament in 2003.

Adams, who was nursing a bad back, flew out to Detroit and played in the final three games to help make up for Brown's absence.

"I was just home on Saturday night watching the BYU game when they called and said they'd got into a bind," Adams said. "It was weird. I hadn't played for the last six months and then I go right out and play three games at worlds."

Brown, a former BYU baseball player, pulled a Martin Gramatica. In the sixth game of the tournament, he threw out the potential tying run in the top of the seventh inning to help T-5 Star hold on for a 6-5 win. In the celebration following the win, he hurt his knee and wasn't unable to play for the rest of the tournament.

Adams helped make up for Brown's loss, but it took much more than one person to help T-5 Star reach the finals undefeated.

In the semifinals, Blue Water from Southern California had a 14-7 lead in the top of the seventh and had one out before the team T-5 Star erupted for seven runs to tie the game. The game then went three extra innings before T-5 Star scored four times in the 10th and then gave up three runs in the bottom half of the inning before holding on to pull out the win.

In the championship game, T-5 Star pulled out a 9-7 win. The game ended with a force out at third. Sanders ended up with the game ball and said it's something he'll hang on to.

"When I caught the ball, everybody just collapsed where they were. All the pain and fighting and struggle we had to get to that point. We left every bit of ourselves there, it paid off," Sanders said. "I've never played so many physically and emotionally draining softball games. Every pitch, every batter so huge, like a huge weight had been lifted off."

The team was showered with post-tournament awards. Jose Ventura was named tournament MVP and Wes Tallon was named the Offensive MVP.

Brown, Rich Chisholm, Garrison Breims, Dallin Parry, Jared Bills and Travis Avery were all named to the All-Tournament team.

World Freaking Champs!

2007-09-28T09:52:00.000-06:00

Back from Detroit and we brought a little "Hardware" home with us. We went 9-0, beating teams from California, Texas, Kentucky, Washington, and Michigan. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced in my life. We are only the 2nd team from Utah to win the "D" World Championship. It's really hard explain how cool it was to win a tournament like that. 192 teams from 41 states. I will hopefully have some pictures to use here later.

My Cubbies are trying really hard to not make the playoffs. Lost again last night. Luckily the Brewers don't want to win the Central either. 2 game lead with 3 games left. Pretty good odds right?

I am looking forward to the weekend. Hopefully I can catch up on some TV I missed. I still haven't seen Heroes, House, or The Office. TGF-TIVO I guess!

Anyway, Happy Friday everyone. Have a great weekend.

World Champ signing off for now! :)

News Story of the Day:

Hollywood star Tom Cruise is planning to build a bunker at his Colorado home to protect his family in the event of an intergalactic alien attack, according to new reports.

The Mission Impossible actor, who is a dedicated follower of Scientology, is reportedly fearful that deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth.

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

2007-09-18T07:59:00.001-06:00

Welcome to Tuesday, September 18th. I hope you were all able to catch the Cubs come from behind win last night. The Cubs magic number is now 12. Last night I watched another couple of episodes of 30 Rock. For those of you who haven't seen any of the Emmy winning NBC comedy, you should really check it out. Today is my last day at work this week. I leave for Detriot tomorrow for the D World's. (Softball) It should be a lot of fun. We get back on Sunday and I'll let you know how we did Monday morning. Until then.... Remember Heroes starts Monday the 24th and now Hayden is legal and it's ok to do this...... See Below!

Also, I just found this wonderful story on Fox News. It's worth a chuckle.

Officially, the new line along the downtown waterfront is the South Lake Union Streetcar, but that's only after its first name, the South Lake Union Trolley, or SLUT, was changed, locals told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

Vulcan, the developer of the former Cascade neighborhood, said that the SLUT acronym is just an urban legend, but it seems here to stay, the paper reports.

Click here to read the report.

"We're welcoming the SLUT into the neighborhood," Jerry Johnson, 29, a part-time barista at Kapow! Coffee house told the Post-Intelligencer. The local haunt already has sold out its first run of "Ride the SLUT" T-shirts.

Gregg Hirakawa, a spokesman for the Seattle Department of Transportation, told the paper the term "streetcar" was selected because it sounded more modern than "trolley."

The first cars were to be unveiled Tuesday and the line should be up and running in December, the paper said.

Where can I get me one of those T-shirts??? :)