Chicken Soup for the Cubs fan's soul!

To all 13 of you that check this page on a semi-regular basis to see if I'm still alive.... I'm sorry for not being a little more frequent, but I am no longer married and don't have to answer to anyone about responsibility.

The last time I was here I wrote about what it is like to be a Cubs fan. I thought I made myself perfectly clear about where I stood. Apparently some of you thought I was kidding. I have been accused of being a "closet" Cubs fan now. Watching in secret, getting text messages after every score, rushing home to watch tivo'd episodes of "The Tenth Inning". (on a side note, what if the Cubs go extra innings? Do they change the name?)

Just because I can tell you that the Cubs are sitting in 4th place, 2.5 games behind the Cardinals, are 3 games over .500, and that their best hitter is not an American and is hitting .319, the team leader in home runs is one of the best non-contact hitters in the game and has 10 of them, and that the team leader in RBI's is the same player and if you held a gun to his head and told him NOT to swing, he would. Although, if he swings his head like he swings his 75 pound bat, you might miss.

I don't hate baseball, I just hate the Cubs. I don't like hockey at all, but can tell you the teams that are left in the playoffs. I hate the NBA, but I know Kobe is a bitch and Kenyon Martin is a thug. I know Manchester United and Barcelona are playing in the Champions League later this month and have already set the tivo to record it.

Apparently, the most damning evidence anyone has that I still like them is the blanket draped over the back of my couch and the Ryne Sandberg signed baseball in my front room. I also have a Yankees blanket that I use as a grill cover that the birds shit on. I suppose that means that deep down I hope the Yankees win another championship? Wrong.

I let the birds crap on it for a couple of reasons. 1. It keeps my grill from looking like a birdie port-0-potty and 2. It was my ex-wife's and when I see bird poop on it it reminds me how wonderful our marriage was.

Now, about the Sandberg ball..... That cost me $300! What am I supposed to do? Throw it out? That ball is like the girl you had a crush on in high school. You can't touch it, it would cost you a lot of money to own and even though you wish you could have sex with it, you know you would be in a lot of trouble if anyone ever caught you.

Here is more proof that the Cubs infect you like a bad STD and will eventually cost you everything you hold dear....

I am playing fantasy baseball. (It's like real baseball only it's not) I drafted 5, yes 5!, Cubs players. (I was still slightly infected). I lost my first three match ups and was in last place. I have since traded or got rid of all but 2 of those players and am riding a two game win streak and have moved up two places into 6th place! By the way, my team name.... CUCK the FUBS.

I lost my job about a month ago and even that wasn't as depressing as watching the Cubs get swept out of the 1st round of the playoffs by teams from the crappy NL West.

I hope that helps clear some things up. If you or anyone you know, has been or is still a Cubs fan, please call this number 1-800-THE-LOST. Operators are standing by and can send you a packet with years and years of depressing stats and facts.